Liars & Lunatics in Goose Pimple Junction Read online

  Paprika changed the subject. “Caledonia, what’s new with Virgil? Tell us everything.”

  Caledonia spoke through gritted teeth. “That man is so smooth he could steal grease out of a biscuit without breaking the crust.”

  “So things are good then?” Paprika gave her friend a disingenuous grin. “Start from the beginning. Don’t skip a thing.”

  Caledonia let out a sigh. “It all started when Too Tall Talk A Lot came in gloating about gossip she knew about Virgil. Then I saw him with that new woman.”

  “Wait. Back up.”

  Caledonia told the women about Tonya’s rumors and about seeing Virgil and Daisy go into the Muffin Man together. “He said she hired him for some advice. I guess I have to believe that.”

  “So was Tonya’s information correct?”

  “As a matter of fact it was. He said he just hadn’t gotten around to telling me. Hadn’t gotten around to telling me. Can you believe that?” Caledonia slammed her fork on the table to punctuate the sentence and her annoyance.

  “How about you pick up a dang phone, you big jerk.” Tess scanned the room and saw several people staring at her. She gave a weak smile to one woman, and the woman looked away.

  Caledonia leaned forward and whispered, “That Polly Ester. She has her nose so high in the air she’s likely to drown in a rainstorm.”

  Paprika looked up from the place setting she was straightening in front of her. “Cal, her name is Polly Eaton.”

  Caledonia flicked her hand in the air. “Whatever.”

  Paprika tried to bring her friend back to the original topic of conversation. “So he’s moving here? And he’s running for mayor?”

  “Yes, and yes. He’s planning a big rally tomorrow to officially announce. How can I ever trust a man who keeps things like that from me? Why wouldn’t he talk to me about moving to town? About running for mayor?” Her voice rose the more she talked.

  “Caledonia, I can’t read the man’s mind, but I don’t think you’d like my opinion on those particular questions anyway.”

  “You think he isn’t serious about me. You think I’m just a temporary distraction. You think I’ve found yet another man who doesn’t respect me.”

  “A pig can put on lipstick, but it’s still a—”

  Willa Jean arrived at the table with a pot of coffee in one hand and a pitcher of tea in the other. “Morning, y’all. Anything ‘sides tea today?”

  “Not for me,” Caledonia grumped. “I couldn’t eat if you paid me.”

  Willa Jean refilled Caledonia’s iced tea. “Honey, you better eat something or you’re gonna dry up and blow away.”

  “I can always eat. I’d love a donut,” Paprika said.

  “I could eat, but I guess I won’t,” Tess said. “I’d die for a donut, but if you brought me one I might as well cut it in half and paste it on my thighs.”

  “Tell me about it, honey. I keep telling Slick to stop making those little balls of Satan. He won’t listen,” Willa Jean raised her index finger to a customer across the room. “Y’all let me know if you change your mind.”

  Tess touched Caledonia’s arm. “Caledonia, you’re a smart woman. I think you know exactly what you need to do. You just don’t want to do it.”

  “It feels so good when we’re together. I feel like I’m the center of his world. But when we’re apart, I feel like he’s running around behind my back.”

  “Like Tess said, you know what to do. Remember your mama’s advice: don’t shush your gut.”

  “But my guts like him,” Caledonia whimpered.

  “Well, this is one time I say you shush those guts. Besides, you don’t want to marry the man.” Both women stared at Paprika, and she continued her thought. “Your name would be Caledonia Culpepper Pepper.”

  Caledonia looked up as Willa Jean passed the table. “Bring me a donut, Willa Jean.”

  Tess made a face but added, “Make it three. Life’s too short to deny oneself a donut.”

  Over her shoulder, Willa Jean said, “They don’t call them life preservers for nothing, ladies.”

  Later that night, Caledonia ate dinner while watching the nightly news. There was a report about the president making over 3,000 lies in 466 days. The world has gone mad, she mumbled to herself.

  Caledonia put her plate and glass in the dishwasher and dried her hands. She let out a heavy sigh. The boys were spending the night with their dad, and she hated eating alone. She knew she should break it off with Virgil, but when they were together he dern near took her breath away. She’d been lonely all her married life, and now a man was offering her a relationship she’d only dreamed of. Looking around her kitchen, her eyes fell on the nearly overflowing waste can. It’s trash night, she thought. Pulling the plastic bag from the can, she lugged it out to the garage and flung it into the big trash dumpster. Trash was one chore Philetus used to take care of. It wasn’t a big deal, but her driveway was long with a dip in the middle and an incline as it reached the road. When the dumpster was full, it nearly weighed more than she did, and pushing a heavy dumpster up that little hill could be tricky.

  The rubber wheels rumbled as she started down the driveway. As the pavement dipped, the dumpster took off on its own accord. She held on but nearly lost control of it. She put all her might into pushing it up the incline. The lid was slightly ajar on the full, almost overflowing dumpster. This is ridiculous. The incline isn’t that much. I can do this. She hoped none of her neighbors were watching out their windows. It was dark, but there were streetlights, and some people had nose problems. Nosy neighbor nose problems. All of a sudden, the dumpster won the battle, sliding down the incline and knocking her on her bottom. Trash rained down on top and beside her as the garbage can tipped and then righted itself, coming to a stop behind her. She sat on the pavement like a rag doll, legs splayed out in front of her, her back resting against the big plastic behemoth.

  My, how the mighty have fallen. She blew her bangs out of her eyes and looked at the trash all around her. She felt inept and alone. How did she end up here? And when was being divorced going to get any easier?

  The town square was bustling the next morning. News of Virgil’s announcement had spread like kudzu, and people were skipping work to come and get a look. Several campaign staff members bustled about, hanging signs and setting up the microphone equipment, while curious onlookers gathered and talked about the candidate.

  Daisy and Kaye heard the commotion and walked toward the gazebo in the middle of the town green. “What do you know about this yahoo anyway?” Kaye asked.

  “That’s a pretty apt description of him. He seems like a typical politician and worst kind of man. Do you know he propositioned me?”

  Kaye gasped. “He didn’t.”

  “He most certainly did. I offered to pay him for his time when he read over my lease.” She laughed under her breath. “It took him all of ten minutes. Then he offered to let me off easy with a date.”

  Kaye’s brow furrowed. “What kind of date?”

  “Not the fruit kind. A date with him, Mother.” They walked to the edge of the crowd, and Daisy shushed her mother, afraid that someone might overhear them. Kaye pushed her way into the mass of people, eliciting some dirty looks, and Daisy reluctantly followed her, offering apologies with her eyes.

  Rumors were flying. “I heard he wants to buy up some property and build a big hotel for vacationers,” said one woman with teeth the size of barrels.

  A man who looked like he’d never missed a meal was with her. “No! He’ll ruin the town. We can’t allow that.”

  Buck Lyle, the current mayor, walked up and was peppered with questions. “Is it true, Mayor? Is Virgil Pepper gonna ruin this town with a hotel and all over at the lake?”

  Buck splayed his hands. “Now, now, y’all. First of all, even if he were to buy up the land, he’d have to have it zoned for commercial use. I don’t hardly see that happening. And y’all are gonna vote for me anyway, right? I’m certainly not going to bring up a zoning change for vote.” His cheesy grin didn’t do much to assuage any of the doubts, and the response was half-hearted.

  Before long, two dark SUVs pulled up, and Virgil Pepper bounded out of the second one wearing an expensive navy blue suit with a red tie, white shirt, and monogrammed cufflinks. He smoothed back the hair on his balding head and looked over the crowd. Everybody stared as he began shaking hands and thanking people for coming. Then the governor himself got out of the first vehicle and made his way to the gazebo. Most folks liked the governor, so Virgil stuck to him like glue as they made their way through the crowd.

  Once the two men took their spots on the top step, one of the governor’s aides—a tall man with a wide-brimmed straw hat—climbed the steps to the gazebo and turned to face the crowd. “Ladies and gentleman. May I have your attention?” He raised his hands in an attempt to quiet the audience. “I’m not gonna stand up here and waste your time—”

  “Yeah, we’re gonna let the politicians do that,” someone a few rows behind Daisy said.

  The governor’s aide pretended not to hear, but the awkward smile on his face gave him away. “But I did want to take this opportunity to introduce to you the governor of this fine state.”

  Applause erupted, followed by the governor talking about party unity and about how it was time to bring the town of Goose Pimple Junction into the modern day. He revved up the crowd in a giant pep talk and finished with a ringing endorsement.

  “. . . And I know just the man who can do it. My friend, Virgil Pepper.”

  Most of the audience was won over by the governor. As Virgil took his place at the microphone, the crowd joined the governor when he started a “Virgil, Virgil” chant.

  Daisy tuned out the crowd and scanned the area. Her stomach plummeted when she got a glimpse of Officer Hank Beanblossom on duty and standing at the periphery of the crowd. It was strange; she wanted to see him, yet she didn’t. Mashing her ball cap down farther on her head, she craned her neck to get a better look at him. Yep, that was him all right. Tall, with an athletic build, broad chest and shoulders, and dark hair framing a tanned face. He was just a big old hunk of man.

  “Excuse me a minute, Mother.” Daisy worked her way to the back of the crowd and edged around the perimeter. She couldn’t help herself. She had to get a better look.

  Virgil’s voice from the microphone filled the air. “Folks, I don’t want to waste your time either. But I do want to tell you why,” he paused and then raised his voice for the big announcement, “I’m throwing my hat in the ring for the office of mayor of Goose Pimple Junction.” With that, he donned a red ball cap with MAKE GOOSE PIMPLE JUNCTION GREAT AGAIN embroidered on the front.

  More applause. Daisy hung back, watching Hank. When he moved, she followed, staying on the outskirts of the crowd. She adjusted her dark sunglasses and pulled her phone from her pocket, pretending to check it. Hank was surveying the audience and slowly circling the town green. Periodically, he stopped to speak to someone in a low tone. He untied a balloon from a bench and gave it to one little boy who was giving his mother fits. He stooped to pick up trash, slapped a few gentlemen good-naturedly on their backs, tipped his hat to women, and kept a watchful eye.

  “And that’s why I say it’s time to bring Goose Pimple Junction into the twenty-first century,” Virgil was saying up on the stage. “Do we want to stay stuck in the same old village or do we want a chance to grow and see what we can become?”

  The formerly enthusiastic crowd now seemed to be divided in their opinions of Virgil.

  “I pick the village,” one man yelled out.

  “Let the man talk,” someone answered.

  “You can take your big city ways and go back to the big city far as I’m concerned,” said a man who looked like one of the old coots from the diner counter—the one with no teeth.

  “I’m with Earl. G’won back to where you came from,” said the man’s buddy.

  Straw hat man quickly took back the microphone. “Now folks, give Virgil a chance. Just listen to him, will ya? He’s got big plans.”

  “He’s got a big head too, if you ask me.” Daisy recognized this heckler as the woman who owned the bookstore. What was her name? Lawanna? Latoya? No, it was Louetta. Still the same old hoot as ever, Daisy thought.

  Hank spoke up, “Y’all don’t have to stay, but you do have to be respectful. Now pipe down and let the man talk.”

  “I think he has some good ideas. Bringing tourism to town would only help the other businesses,” someone called out.

  Daisy noticed some other people she had met during her time in town not so long ago. Tess and Jack stood near Louetta, holding hands. Caledonia was there with her friend, the one Caledonia had seemed intent on fixing up with Hank. And Jimmy Dean Howe’s dad, Louis, was there, looking as important as ever. Or self-important, at least. She wondered where Jimmy Dean was now. The bond her former self had forged with the teenage hoodlum had been genuine. She’d told herself even though she was leaving town, she would keep tabs on Jimmy Dean, make sure he’d kept his promise to straighten up and fly right. She’d kept her half of the promise with the young rascal. She’d straightened out her life, but she hadn’t kept her promise to herself to watch over young Jimmy Dean. That made her feel guilty.

  Virgil droned on and on about bringing progress to the town and making Goose Pimple Junction a first-rate tourist attraction. Blah blah blah, Daisy thought, still stalking Hank.

  She watched him and remembered the last time she saw him—dancing, flirting, talking with him at the Mag Bar, and afterward, kissing him in the parking lot, right before she got in her car and left town. She put her hand to her mouth to make sure drool hadn’t escaped her lips.

  Daisy didn’t realize the rally was breaking up until people jostled past her. She surveyed the area, looking for her mother and found her approaching the candidate. Oh no.

  “I just wanted to let you know I know some Russians,” Kaye was saying to Virgil, with a pointed expression, as Daisy reached her. “You just say the word, and I can set up a meeting for you.”

  “Mother, there you are. Sorry, we didn’t mean to take up your time,” she said to Virgil.

  “Not a problem,” Virgil said. “Is this your sister?”

  Daisy had a hold of her mother’s elbow and was attempting to steer her away but turned to answer him. “Yeah, I nicknamed her ‘Mother.’” She wasn’t going to give him credit for trying to be charming. “Good luck with your campaign.” She started to walk away but again was stopped. Why was he bothering with them when there were so many others waiting to talk to him?

  “What did you think of the speech?”

  Kaye whipped around and answered for her daughter. “I thought it was great. About time this town get with the here and now. More power to you. And if you need any help, just give me a call.” She winked at him, and Daisy thought she detected a slight recoil on Virgil’s part, but he handed Kaye a red ball cap anyway.

  “I’m sure Mr. Pepper has all the help he needs, Mother.” They began walking, but Daisy heard one last quip as they left.

  “Don’t forget about that bill you owe me, Daisy.”

  She turned to glare at him, which he missed because he was handing out ball caps to everyone around. When she turned back around, she ran right into Hank Beanblossom.

  Five

  You have nice manners for a thief and a liar.

  – J.R.R. Tolkien

  Mid-May, five and a half months before Dead Virgil

  One minute Hank was walking and the next minute he had a beautiful woman in his arms. “Oh, I’m sorry. I should have watched where I was going.” Hank steadied the woman with both hands on her upper arms.

  “I tell her that same thing all the time,” an older woman said. “I nicknamed her Grace because she doesn’t have any.”

  Sunglasses prevented him from seeing the beautiful woman’s eyes, but he felt a pang in his solar plexus and instantly felt he knew this woman. Where had he seen her before? He didn’t recognize the woman with her.

  “No problem. Have we met? Or are y’all new in town?”

  His questions were directed at the younger woman, but the older woman pushed in front of her and answered. “We sure are new. Wanna show us around?”

  The younger woman shoved her hands in her pockets and looked down at her purple flip-flops. “Mother, I’m sure the nice officer has other things to do.”

  “I’m a little busy at the moment with crowd control, but I’d be glad to show y’all around later.”

  “Oh, we couldn’t impose.” Daisy shuffled her feet.

  Kaye beamed at the officer, saying, “Oh yes we could,” almost as one word. We’ll be glad to take you up on that offer.”

  The younger woman grabbed her mother’s arm and propelled her forward. “We have work to do, Mother.”

  Hank stuck out his hand. “Hey, I’m Officer Beanblossom. I didn’t catch your name.”

  “We didn’t throw it,” the young one said over her shoulder.

  Kaye pulled her arm free. She shook Hank’s hand as she said, “I’m Kaye, and this is Daisy. We’re sisters. We’re gonna open up a cupcake shop over on Honeysuckle.”

  Daisy grabbed her mother’s hand again. “And again, we’re leaving, Sis. Nice to meet you, Officer.”

  Caledonia walked up to Hank as he watched the two women walk away. “I hear tell they’re mother and daughter. And that mother is a strange one.”

  “She said they’re sisters and her name is Kaye.”

  Caledonia stifled a laugh. “Yeah, well, I say Special Kaye is more like it. They rented the store across the street from the dress shop. Every time I run into the mother she tells me another blatant tall tale.”

  Hank watched them, positive he knew the woman from somewhere. And he’d like to get to know her a whole lot more. There was something that drew him to her.

  Daisy put Kaye to work cleaning her new little shop. She had a list as long as her arm that had to get done before opening day, June 1. But Kaye, still wearing her campaign red hat, insisted on talking while she worked.